I’ve been watching some “Mr. Show,” and before we get started, I have an important question:

Do you guys think David Cross would marry me? Because I’d be game. Put in a good word for me, okay? Tell him I can cook! Pasta! Tea! And whatever else he might like, as long as it’s pasta or tea.

Anyway.

My sister, Kara, has been engaged for a week now, right? Well, I just spent an hour on the phone with her, because she’s already all stressed out about the tension the wedding prep circus is creating between her and our mom.

LuvaMom featured here as worry-crazed, myopic gorgon.

I guess they spent yesterday driving all over Massachusetts in the rain, looking at possible reception venues, talking about dresses, and fighting, fighting, fighting.

So, it’s like this. My mom had a terrifying childhood, and, since having her own family, has adamantly avoided creating for us a household like the one she knew. On the plus side, this has made her an attentive, caring, involved, and awesome mom. Which is good.

But she is also over-protective, kinda paranoid, and pscychotically defensive, so that when my sister and I have different opinions from hers, or we make decisions that she wouldn’t have made for herself, she takes it hyper-personally and sees it as a slap in the face, or she goes on a tirade about how everyone dismisses her ideas, blablablah. She also has some pretty serious rage issues. Like Kara put it, she goes “from zero to ballistic in record time.” In that state, she’s impossible to reason with, not to mention a little terrifying.

It should be mentioned that there’s a bit of a Fitzcrisis* happening right now. My aunt, my mom’s sister, is really sick, and my mother is going crazy over yet another worrisome thing that she can’t control. We’re all worried, but my mother, in particular, doesn’t handle it well. You’d think she’d have figured out a coping strategy by now, since Worry is like fuel to her. Poor lady. My mother’s way of handling crises is to drive her loved ones crazy, have temper tantrums, and sometimes punch herself violently in the face.

It’s so awesome to have to physically pin your mom’s fists by her side so she stops abusing herself. Awesome.

It all just fuckass sucks. It’s times like these I wish I was closer to home, even if it would make my life a living hell.

Anyway, so my mom’s stressed, and when she and Kara went out a-plannin’, my mom took any disagreement as a personal affront. She got pissed, she blew up, she freaked out, and now they’re not speaking. There will be more wedding fights, probably.

I'm sure it’ll be fine by the end of the week. I don’t want to get into all the particulars of how to deal with my irrational mother in a diplomatic manner, because I would just be ranting, and it would be boring for you. Besides, my sister and I just vented about it, so I'm fine.

Bit of dialogue:

Me: Don’t worry, it’ll be great. It’ll be a lovely, fantastic party, and it will all work out.
Kara: I hope so.
Me: It will. Man, I can’t imagine planning all this. I’ll probably just say, “Hey, everyone, I found a boy I want to marry. Come on over for a barbecue!"
Kara: Ha. Yeah, but I think people would expect a barbecue wedding reception from you.

She was kidding, and probably right, but I think my feelings were a little hurt. I don’t know. I have no idea. That’s another entry entirely.

I know one thing: weddings should be fun.

By the time David Cross and I get married, I hope he’s reached the superstar status he deserves, so I can afford to hire a kickass wedding planner, and fly everyone out to that French castle I got my eye on for a reception. We’re gonna parachute ourselves down the aisle, and everyone in the wedding party is gonna ride their own white tiger. Siegfried and Roy will be invited, if Roy has recovered from that mauling incident by then.

Heads up, Cross.

* Insider information: now you know I'm a Fitzsomething!

~ Last Five Entries ~

Arm-in-Arm Down Burgundy - 09.05.05

Motivated! - 08.25.05

Moths, and Relative Nonsense - 08.18.05

I Finally Have Internet Access in my Bedroom. But, No Ashtray. - 08.09.05

Here I Am - 08.02.05

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