Yesterday, I began training at a new job. Today, I attended an intimidating orientation for grad school. I also bought a painful $200 worth of books, which make up roughly one-third of my overall book list for this semester. Next Tuesday, I start classes and hand in my first academic paper since 2001. My life is shaping up into a life, and I will soon be completely overloaded and stressed out.

I’m excited.

You should be excited, too, readers, because the more I need to do, the more active I am about procrastinating. Thus, I will be updating.

My roommates should likewise be excited, because another means of procrastination will be to finally unpack and make some order out of my common room. My unpacked boxes are not in the way, but it will be nice for all of us to have another organized, furnished area in the house.

I was nervous about living in a shared space again, seeing how I’d gotten accustomed to living alone. But, not only do we all get along and enjoy spending time together, but the house is big enough to allow each house member the privacy he/she needs.

We do hang out a lot, though, and have similar senses of humor.

It is time, once again, for some paraphrased conversations, ripped from a day in the life of Kelly.

Okay, most of the time we just drink beer and watch cartoons, but anyway.

Backstory: Roommate Zoe is an ardent, well-educated feminist. She is an adventurous free-spirit, and does not plan to marry or have children*. Chuck is her boyfriend, and Matt is a mutual friend of theirs. And I’m Kelly.

Zoe has recently discovered how much she loves to cook. When she got home last night, the first thing she did was bake an excellent apple pie.

Matt: Zoe's becoming quite the little homemaker.
Chuck: Yeah. Dinner AND pie.
Matt: Now, all she needs to get is a baby!
Chuck: Matt. No.
Kelly: BABY PIE!
Chuck/Matt: BABY PIE!
Chuck: I was a vegetarian, until I tried baby pie.
Matt: I’ve never had it. Funny, because there are so many babies in the world.
Kelly: And, they’ve got less hair than most sources of meat.
Chuck: I prefer my pies hairless.

I didn’t catch the “hair pie” reference until just now. I’m so ashamed.

* Neither Zoe nor I think that it is anti-feminist to get married and/or have kids. Don’t freak out.

SECOND:

Backstory: Zoe is employed at a privately owned sex toys company, where she works as an educator and “product specialist”, or something. No, she does not test vibrators all day, but the company does not sell any products that haven’t been tried by staff members. No, they do not sell the used toys. I know it’s not everybody’s thing, but it’s a classy, safe, legitimate company.

In the following conversation (quatrologue?), while mixing the ingredients for her apple pie, Zoe tells my roommates and I about a horrific new product pitched to her company. They won’t carry it, because the marketing is trashy, and NO ONE in the company is willing to test it.

Zoe: … The phallic part is made out of hollow, serrated STEELE, and has a long chord attached to the vibrator, for the clit. It’s AWFUL.
Kelly: Ew.
Matt: What?
Chuck: Pie.
Zoe: It gets worse. At the end of the phallus, there’s a MICROCAM installed that you can rig up to your home entertainment system so you can watch the contractions of your cervix!
Kelly: How is that hot?
Matt: Weird.
Chuck: Bring it here. Kelly will try it.
Kelly: Wh-? HAHAHAHAHAHA! Fuck you.
Chuck:Hahahahaha …

We’re very mature.

Really, though. I have no need to watch, or share, a video of my cervix freaking out like a vomiting jellyfish. I mean, I’m appreciative of Georgia O’Keefe’s vaginal imagery, but come on. I’m sure it doesn’t actually look like no gardenia up in there.

I’m ... mostly sure.

Hm.

~ Last Five Entries ~

Everyone Has a Fuckin' Opinion - 09.24.05

Pack of Ne'er-Do-Wells - 09.17.05

The Forks Have Spoken - 09.10.05

This meme's for the balcony, and the next meme's for the floor ... - 09.08.05

Arm-in-Arm Down Burgundy - 09.05.05

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BUY JEN'S BOOK! BUY IT! DO IT!

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BUY DEAN'S BOOK, TOO! YOU KNOW YOU WANNA! SERIOUSLY.

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