Well, it's here, kids, the one-hundredth entry. What a day! When you think about it, this is hardly a monumental accomplishment, considering the inexhaustible amounts of drivel I can siphon from my brain to my typitty fingers. But nonetheless, this centennial is cause for celebration.

Have some cake ... We've got coconut, pineapple upside-down, carrot, chocolate, and vegan mung-bean. Yes, we here at Luvabeans.diaryland.com appreciate that our audience, unless you are only in my head, runs the gamut of appetites.

Partake of the punch, but go easy on the champagne, because that's MINE. Please feel free to bait the ponies, but stay clear of the clowns. Especially the ones with trenchcoats and suspicious suitcases.

Ahh, the memories, folks! Remember when this diary was in it's foetal stages, and the entries focussed on needless over-descriptions and strained non-sequiters? How far we've come, since realizing that non non-sequiter can be too strained, and no absurd description is without purpose.

Where were we before we come to terms with our own beautiful self-importance? What was life before we began referring to ourselves using the Royal "We?" Ooh-- such dark times.

That being said, I think we should take this time to pay our respects to the Founding Fathers of Diaryland, and reflect upon what we've learned since embarking on this introspective roller coaster ride of narcissism.

AND, WHAT HAVE WE LEARNED, MS. LUVABEANS (IF YA NASTY)?

I'm glad you asked, chirren. Gather 'round, and I'll expound. (Couplet!)

Indeed, while reading this diary, on an entry-by-entry basis you'd be hard pressed to hit a theme with a wrecking ball. Overall, however, there have been some recurring subjects of monolithic importance. Without this diary, I may not have realized how prevalent these things are in my daily life, and heaven forbid I take for granted such things as:

1. MY MENSTRUAL CYCLE, AND ALL THINGS RELATED THERETO. Well, me oh my, I seem to be obsessed with my uterus, despite the fact that I consistently misspelled it as "uteris" until about a month ago.

2. MY TENUOUS GRASP ON HARD-AND-FAST CONCEPTS such as time, and gender, and goodness and love. Well, I guess there's never been anything hard-and-fast about love as a concept. (Don't get pervy.) Those entries were fun, if total bullshit, and I usually managed to convince myself by the end that I had actually concluded something.

3. MY TENUOUS GRASP ON REALITY IN GENERAL, exemplified by my ready introduction of imaginary friends to you, my unknown (and potentially equally imaginary) audience, and my belief that I might be an elephant or a fairy princess when I grow up. Actually, the fun I have maintaining this "diary" indicates a shaky grasp on the goings-on in the three dimensional world.

4. MY SOMEWHAT UNSETTLING TENDENCY TO PERSONIFY EVERYTHING such as my hair, my uterus, my desk chair, the entire concept of homosexuality, and all office appliances. (I swear, they ARE out to get me... It'll be like Burnham Wood coming to Dunsinane.)

5. MY EQUALLY UNSETTLING AND PARADOXICAL COMFORT WITH FINANCIAL INSECURITY. I mention money, or lack thereof, rather often, frequently following the mention with how I don't mind being poor.

Hey, if it doesn't bother me, why don't I leave it the hell alone? Freud? Take a guess? Big liar, me. Well, no, not really. It's hard to ignore the necessity of money when you live in a large American city, you have little money, and you work for people who can say things like, "Oh, it's only $150." Ahhh, yes. Poor me. Or, poor "we."

6. MY EQUALLY PARADOXICAL YEN FOR BOTH EXPOSURE (as evidenced by the very existence of the diary) AND PRIVACY (as evidence by how I immaturely fruck out when someone I knew located it). Yeah, I've gotten over the latter dilemma. Big whoop. Cool thing, the friend who found the diary actually did approach me about it, which must have been a bit awkward for him.

Oh, but hey, I recently read "Breakfast at Tiffany's" (OH, READ IT!!!! What a bittersweet bedtime story. I've yet to see the movie, but I've an inkling that it's much different than the original novella, which is far too racy than what was probably allowed on the silver screen way back when ... If it was redone in the late 60s, Mia Farrow would've made a mean Miss Golightly ... if redone in the 90s, the first person who comes to mind is Calista Flockheart) which contained the following passage:

"I ... asked [Holly] how and why she'd left home so young. She looked at me blankly, and rubbed her nose, as though it tickled: a gesture, seeing often repeated, I came to recognize as a signal that one was trespassing. Like many people with a bold fondness for volunteering intimate information, anything that suggested a direct question, a pinning-down, put her on her guard."

I can relate to that. We all can.

Uch. This section is annoying let's move on.

MS. LUVABEANS (IF YA NASTY) IS COMMONLY TOP GOOGLE HIT FOR THE FOLLOWING SEARCHES:

1. "Men who like to drink breast milk," or derivates thereof such as "I want to drink breast milk" and "Can I please drink breast milk."

2. "Uteris." Not the proper spelling, "uterus," mind you, which makes me unspeakably happy. This is the official site of the uteris.

3. "Sex while asleep," or derivitaves thereof, such as "sexy sleeping hunks," "sleeping sex," and "sex with my sleeping pregnant sister-in-law."

4. "Tracy Lordes." She's a porn star, and she's actually Tracy Lords, but oh, well.

5. "How to insert a tampon," which also makes me unspeakably happy. Too bad it's not very helpful for the searchers, who according to my stats then spend about 20 minutes searching fruitlessly for instructions on how to avoid menstrual leakage.

Yep, off the top of my head, I'm most googleable through the above searches. What cracks me up is that the people who consequently hit me must be extremely confused, as none of my entries focus on any of those subjects. (Oh! Craig! Today, I got a Google hit through a search for "degrassi recaps." Woot.)

Hey, what does "Hidden Referrer" mean? I don't like that. It makes me feel like I'm being spied by a man in a hooded cloak, and makes me rub my nose like Holly Golightly.

SINCE MS. LUVABEANS HAS SETTLED IN DIARYLAND, THE SPAM FAIRIES HAVE BECOME STRANGELY ADAMANT THAT SHE DO THE FOLLOWING THINGS:

1. Enlarge her penis.

2. Get hopped up on free viagra and last all night long.

3. Find drugs online without a prescription.

4. Lose weight with this miraculous patch/pill/massage-technique/what-have-you.

Pesky things, those spam fairies. Such clutter they create.

OTHER THINGS, MS. LUVABEANS?

1. Well, for one, I think I need a new design. I've never been terribly partial to banana yellow, and the text window is smaller than I'd like it to be. Alas, I speak only a smattering of html, so I'll have to either learn some more, or look around for a new free template.

2. I've come in contact with some wonderfully cool people through my journalling, and I've learned a lot. Cheezy, but true. And I've always been a fan of cheese. And of truth, for that matter. Which, if you're wondering, also makes a savory fondue. (What?)

3. I'm not quite right.

4. A quick confession: I go through phases of being a total banner whore. There are some weeks that I submit more banners than a pirate rapes virgins. (Yikes.)

5. I have to pee.

On that note, thank you for attending my Luvacentennial. Perhaps there will be similar commemorative meta-entries in the future?

I apologize to anyone who doesn't know what the hell I'm talking about most of the time, and give a big shout-out to those of you who pretend that you do. It's fun creating my own stupid little world, even if it IS bright yellow and a little small around the text.

And now, a toast! To Solipsism!

(Hey, why am I the only one here?)

~ Last Five Entries ~

Moths, and Relative Nonsense - 08.18.05

I Finally Have Internet Access in my Bedroom. But, No Ashtray. - 08.09.05

Here I Am - 08.02.05

One-Armed Paper Hanger Earns her Wings - 07.29.05

Sugar & Lemon - 07.28.05

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