Back row, left to right, is Dean and his calf, Arlette, me, Sonya, and Klugarsh’s ladyfriend, DJ Dr. D. Splayed in front of us like some blissed-out Christ figure is Klugarsh, himself.

Picture taken with Klug’s camera at a bar called Ugly’s in Mountainview, CA. The woman behind the camera was our funsize bartender.

Seriously, girl was tiny. Barely five feet tall, if that. Little punk chick with a deep ol’ voice.

I don’t know if the bar would qualify as a dive, but it was colorful cozy, a definite “regulars” bar with a decent jukebox and lots of fun things on the walls, like Muppet dolls and a picture of Jesus looking either drag or goth, depending on how you use your eyeliner. The bar was friendly and full of characters.

Sonya and I witnessed the world’s most awkward bar-brawl attempt, when one longhaired, tie-dyed, drunk guy decided to tackle his buddy in the middle of a conversation. His approach wasn’t as much an attack as it was an aggressive zombie cuddle, and the look on the other guy’s face was “The fuck?”

They got kicked out of the bar; the main perpetrator was pushed out with his hands behind his head. And the cops were called? Okay. That didn’t seem necessary.

Anyway, so we shot some shit and played some cards and drank some beers and stepped out for some cigarettes, and had a grand time.

Funsize Barkeep seemed to like us a whole lot, and took good care of us. She sort of absent-mindedly latched on to Klug’s ass right before we left, like “Ooh … bum?”

One of Funsize’s friends was at the bar, too. A gigantic Amazon who easily cleared six feet, and seemed to have learned to love it. She hugged Funsize, picked her up, and swung her around. Once her feet were back on the ground, Funsize slung the Amazon over her shoulder.

Amazon was really drunk, and seemed to be teetering between wanting to put on a show, and trying to keep herself together.

I was in the bathroom at one point, and there were a bunch of women standing by the sink. Amazon and Funsize were among them, and they all seemed to be comforting the sobbing Amazon. The bathroom was really little, so I had to wedge my way awkwardly behind them to go pee. We shot each other looks of apology and sympathy, sort of laughing about it, knowing that I had no choice but to overhear their conversation while I sat on the can.

Seemed that Amazon had a boyfriend either in prison or headed to, and was trying to figure out how to maintain the relationship. I might be totally off, but that’s what I gathered. Poor thing.

I squished my way out of the stall and back to the sink, smiled again and said “Sorry.” They said it was okay, Amazon wiped her nose and I washed my hands, and headed back out to the bar while various “Men suck” statements sounded behind me.

I love dive bars. When I was in Vermont, I worked at a theatre in a little town that we seldom had the opportunity to leave. We planned one night to go out to a billiards bar in Bennington, sort of a field trip.

We flew into that place like a flock of freaks. It was obviously a neighborhood bar, out in the sticks, where they seldom see new faces. We made ourselves comfortable, hung out and chatted with the regulars and drank a lot. The next day, a friend of mine got an email from the management, begging us to return often.

Pick-up line:

“I’ve got a daughter yer age, and her friends are yer age … You sure are perdy.” (Might want to rethink that line, sir.)

A conversation with a guy at the bar, who had Chinese characters tattooed on his wrist:

Me: What’s your tattoo mean?
Him: Means “beer.”
Me: You should probably lie about that.
Him: Usually do.

Another scene:

There was a weathered little middle-aged guy leaning up against the bar, sound asleep behind his sunglasses. His buddies kept nudging him, “Kenny. Kenny, wake up. Wake up, man.”

One of them lit my cigarette with Kenny’s Zippo, and then turned the lighter over to show me the back of it. The name “Kenny” was engraved on the back in fancy, looping script. Makes me wonder if they really knew the guy, or had just read his lighter.

Have good weekends, all. My Friday was pretty tame, but the rest of the weekend is going to be fun.

So, here’s to fun nights.

~ Last Five Entries ~

Arm-in-Arm Down Burgundy - 09.05.05

Motivated! - 08.25.05

Moths, and Relative Nonsense - 08.18.05

I Finally Have Internet Access in my Bedroom. But, No Ashtray. - 08.09.05

Here I Am - 08.02.05

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BUY JEN'S BOOK! BUY IT! DO IT!

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BUY DEAN'S BOOK, TOO! YOU KNOW YOU WANNA! SERIOUSLY.

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