that's awasum

Metacrap
10.20.06 + 1:04 a.m.

Hey.

Writing for me has been impossible for a while, as you have probably gathered from the complete lack of entries. There has certainly been plenty to write about, and enough time to do so, but I haven't felt like it because Therapy School (i.e., training to be a therapist) makes one so fucking sick of oneself.

To graduate from Therapy School, one must see a therapist. When one becomes a therapist, one should continue to see a therapist, because if one's clients don't make one crazy then one is not doing one's job.

Here's a partial glossary, followed by crude lay person definitions, of the terms one too often hears when one (meaning me) is in Therapy School:

1. Processing: Whining. (Example: "I spent half an hour with my shrink processing why I hate waiting for the bus.")
2. Process group: lots of people whining (Example: "Everyone got drunk and processed why we hate waiting for the bus. Several people cried. Those who didn't cry are obviously repressed victims of insecure attachment.")
3. Providing a container: Making oneself available to listen to others' whining. (Example: "My buddy called me last night to process about his ex-girlfriend. He was too upset to listen to advice, so all I could do was provide a container for his whining. Oops, I mean processing.")
4. Projection: Blaming the person next to you for feeling what you're feeling, because you can't deal with the feelings yourself. (Example: "Yesterday I was fired. On the way home, carrying the box full of my possessions from my former office, I was mugged and brutally beaten. Don't worry, though ... I'm fine. But for some reason, when I got home I had the distinct impression that my roommate wanted to kill me and cry about it. I mean, 'process.' He is obviously a victim of insecure attachment. Perhaps if I had been more present, and had provided him a container, he would not have been so covertly hostile. I'm fine, though."
5. Transference: Allowing current relationships to be clouded, tainted, or otherwise influenced based on experiences from past relationships; i.e., blaming it all on yer mom. (Example: "Hi. You look like my mom. STOP DRINKING! WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME?")
6. Counter-transference: The feelings picked up when the counterpart in a relationship is projecting feelings of transference on him/her. (Example [based on the previous]: "I need a drink, and I don't love this person; he/she is so needy.")
7. Inner/Internal Critic: The fucking voice in one's head telling one that one sucks. (Example: "In attempt to find something to write about, I read through a bunch of my old entries, and my inner critic told told me that I shouldn't bother because it would only be crap."

I could go on and on and on. And on. And. On.

Don't get me wrong: though my sarcasm may indicate otherwise, I'm getting a lot out of my studies, and think I'll eventually be a good therapist, whatever milieu I find in which to practice. When you're glutted with it for the first time, however, you just have to celebrate its absurdity.

I haven't been writing, because I've never been partial to entries in which I actually "tell" you what's "going on" in my "life;" that is, I prefer to write about total bullshit than to relay my daily activities. Being in Therapy School, I've been continuously called upon to gut myself like a fish, place the results on a silver tray in a house of mirrors, and closely observe the findings based on their reflections. And then write about the findings in the form of a thesis. And then whine about ... I mean PROCESS ... the findings. In the form of another thesis.

I'm game for all of it, but it all makes me really fucking sick of myself, lately. Thus the lack of entries. I'm growing like grass, and no one likes to watch grass grow.

I want to write, though, so I think the best way to go about is to write regularly, whether or not I have any subject in mind. Over the past several months, however, I've compiled a backlog of subjects that I've become too postmodern to write about, so they've stagnated and will soon drip down the drain.

And so, in memoriam, here are some brief synopses of those entries that will never see the light of day:

1. I was in a professional improv group from January through July of 2006, and while improv was never my genre of choice, I found out I'm not so bad at it. It was an excellent group, (thank heavens, because bad improv is completely excruciating,) and I learned a lot from my stage time that will carry over into future theatre endeavors. In my group, I gained the reputation as the clever, witty one who can be counted upon to conclude scenes with funny one-liners.
2. Since the conclusion of my contract with aforementioned improv group, my nights have become free, and I'm getting really restless. As such, I've been watching way too much "Everwood" and "Gilmore Girls" on the ABC Family Channel when I get home from work, and I've become inexcusably addicted.
I love those shows. They make me nostalgic, but in a weird way that makes me think I didnâ€™t make the most of all the stupid melodrama that should've happened in adolescence. Sad. I relive my arrested development through ABC Family Channel.
3. I got an iPod, and I love the fuck out of it. It is seriously the best material object that I have ever owned. So much music! In my pocket! and I don't have to tote around a giant folio of CDs!
I'd coveted the iPod for over a year, honestly, despite my disdain for its ubiquity, and the whole corporate enslavement that is undeniably possible to its owners. I actually bought one last spring, but returned it 2 weeks later because I felt so guilty about the expense. For those 2 weeks, though, I was in ecstasy.
Recently, though, my friend Cate was looking to sell her Nano for half the price of a store-bought version, so I jumped at it. Awesomely, because it was originally a gift from her dad, my iPod Nano has "Number One Daughter" engraved on the back.

Oh, shit. I was going to add more to the list, but they were getting progressively more personal (as if an allegiance to ABC Family Channel wasn't embarrassing enough ... they air "Seventh Heaven" for fuck's sake, which is bar none the most terrifying show ever,) and I'm off my game. Everything seems to be such a big fucking deal lately, (as a result of Therapy School,) and I'm possessive about it. I want to write more, though.

I'm too sleepy to proofread.

And I hate writing about writing. Sorry.

I'll bullshit again soon.

~ Last Five Entries ~

Summertime Fix in Hawaii - 06.12.07

Summertime Fix in Hawaii - 06.11.07

About Zigs - 04.26.07

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BUY JEN'S BOOK! BUY IT! DO IT!

BUY DEAN'S BOOK, TOO! YOU KNOW YOU WANNA! SERIOUSLY.
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