Cat, Tr, Td, Dd & I are sitting at a table, fucking around before reading some preliminary scenes from our working script. Dd mentions his "new meds," joking about possible alternative meds that, though they work, will give him explosive diarrhea, nausea and vomiting, and will lower his alcohol tolerance. Meds? I know nothing of Dd's need for medication, but he's talking about it like it's a part of his everyday life. I'm the newbie in the group, the rest of them have been friends for years, so I'm the only one ignorant of Dd's prescriptive necessities.

I think I know the answer, but I ask: "Medication for what?"

I was hoping he'd say he had chronic ear infections, weird blood pressure, anemia ... even one of the mental disorders that are becoming so old hat that one is always prepared for the mention of Prozac of Xanax ...

Dd answers: "I have ... aitch-eye-vee ..."

Sweet little Dd has HIV.

Because of the conversation leading up to it, I can't say I was shocked. I am a master of picking up subtle clues and mentally preparing myself accordingly. Maybe it comes from having to "act cool" and "read the crowd" for auditions. That being said, how could I not have known?

My face flushed, and I felt hot tears forming. I was obviously taken aback. I don't think anyone blamed me.

Me: (fanning myself, because somehow one thinks that will stave off unwanted tears) "I didn't know ... I'm sorry ..."

Dd: (smiling) "It's OK."

Me: "No ... I mean ... obviously you're OK ... I mean I'm sorry for this reaction. I just didn't know."

A bit of silence, then Td mercifully broke in, "Yeah, when he first told me, I was like, 'Shut the fuck up, fag.'"

Laughter.

Dd: "Td's in an angry place tonight."

Somehow, that made things better.

We warmed up, read through the script, and discussed. All the while, in the back of my head, "Sweet little David has HIV."

It's not that I'm terribly sad or confused, or that anything is different. I just hadn't considered it before. I believed I had calmly thought of the possibility that someone I knew could be infected, given the basic statistics that are shoved down our throats by people with intentions ranging from objective to scientific to downright misguided and malicious, but ... sweet little Dd.

It's a lot for one of my friends to have to deal with, the regular doctors appointments, the ever-changing prescription cocktails, the absolute need to avoid illness, to remember that though you are "healthy," a dip in immunity is much more dire for him than for most of us.

I don't want to make a big thing out of something that Dd has obviously come to terms with, but I feel that, by being unaware of this aspect of his life, I couldn't possibly have been as supportive a friend as I wanted to be. Granted, we don't know each other terribly well, but we definitely regard each other as "good people," as friends. And he didn's make a big deal out of telling me, either. Me and Dd and his best friends, discussing what we did that day ... Tr did blah, I did blah, C and Td did blah. Dd's blah happened to include a visit to his doctor.

Like I said, it doesn't change anything, except that now I know that Dd has another huge aspect to his very human life. It's almost like there's this entire chamber of his brain that he utilizes, that the rest of us also have, but take for granted until we have to open and fill it for ourselves.

~ Last Five Entries ~

Moths, and Relative Nonsense - 08.18.05

I Finally Have Internet Access in my Bedroom. But, No Ashtray. - 08.09.05

Here I Am - 08.02.05

One-Armed Paper Hanger Earns her Wings - 07.29.05

Sugar & Lemon - 07.28.05

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BUY JEN'S BOOK! BUY IT! DO IT!

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BUY DEAN'S BOOK, TOO! YOU KNOW YOU WANNA! SERIOUSLY.

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